July 28, 2014      

I don’t even know where to begin . . . I just skimmed my last entry to get some idea of what I’ve missed.  We’ve had a few doctor appointments, Claire and I.  Claire for her bone, which looks to be healing nicely; and me for my eyes, which was just for a new pair of glasses.  That’ll be fun to get those.  They are quite chic.  Jessica and Chandler and the girls came to stay with us.  They swam in the pool, and we ate yummy food.  The kids played, and me and Jessica had fun talking about fashion and our game.  Which was totally dumb, but fun.  I hope I didn’t step on Jessica’s toes when I was helping her with her kids and giving her advice.  I only want to help her.  I hope she feels helped and not annoyed.

David got his vasectomy on Friday.  He’s been nervous about it before and after, but we’re both glad it’s over.  And I think recovery so far has been good.  It was a little bit sad the night before, realizing that it was all very over for our childbearing years.  But we also quickly acknowledged that we have been exceptionally blessed, and that five kids was a wonderful completion to our family.  If one more baby sneaks in somehow, then I guess we were wrong about that, but it is highly unlikely.  Which is also ok!  The surgery marked a new life phase for us, though.  Particularly for me, although that was marked after Darcy was delivered, really.  It was made even more definite. 

I have been reading a lot about the new feminism.  About how women today are having to reign in the ambition of the women before us, but at the same time there is a lack of ambition that our fore-mothers didn’t expect from us as a whole.  Women are just not as inclined to sacrifice their family lives for a career.  I mean, they are and they do, but just not as 50-50 as men.  I don’t think I have a problem with that.  Anyway, what I really pulled from the article I read was that we have to define our own version of “having it all.”  I decided that mine included sleep, a clean house, time for myself, the ability/patience/knowledge to parent my kids well and help them succeed and grow into whole and contributing people, especially into good parents themselves.  I could also tack on a country home with a lovely view and a very close proximity to nature for my kids to experience.  That last part is a bit far at the moment.  But then again, the sleeping part is probably the farthest.

Darcy and Jonny are driving me crazy right now.  Jonny took a super late nap and isn’t in bed yet, but Darcy is sad and probably definitely should be.  I am trying to carve out a little time to write this entry before I have to regale myself to the bedroom with her.  David is up with the bigger girls helping them go to sleep.  They set up the tent in the TV room for fun tonight.  It doesn’t sound particularly fun to me, more like hot, but I think they’re really loving it. 

Tomorrow Claire has another appointment.  I think it’ll all look good.

I guess I really should finish up here and put Darcy to bed.  Her cry is so darn sad.  L  Love these babies, all of them.

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Jonny just dumped an entire cup of cold water on Darcy because she was crying and I guess he thought it would help.  It did not.

I also forgot to mention Jonny playing with the tomatoes today.  He got a “Jonny” cherry tomato that was red, a “Darcy” cherry tomato that was green, and  bigger “Mama” red roma that was me.  It was so darn cute.  He let Claire eat the Jonny tomato.

July 22, 2014

It has been a frustrating day.  I can’t seem to stop getting irritated by everyone in this house.  I attribute this entirely to lack of sleep and overall burn out.  And I’m not sure how to overcome.  I know there’s a way.  I always find it eventually, but today I am just not feeling it.  I want to put headphones on and bask in a clean, hot bath and listen to More Than A Feeling and watch The Sound of Music all at the same time.  In general, I need to get out.  It’s summer, and I haven’t seen anything beautiful for months, besides my own children.  No outdoor scenes that have taken my breath away besides the ones I saw on our way up to Starlight.  I think we need to take a jaunt up there.  Not sure what we’d do when we got there, but it’s so lovely.  I wish Darcy were old enough so that we could go camping.  I know that sounds crazy, but camping might be nice.  This is just crazy talk, though, I’m sure.

I must get over the panic I feel when I think of all the moments in my life that have passed, all the intense feeling I’ve felt, basically all the thoughts I’ve though, that I haven’t written down.  How could I have let them pass just because . . .

Wow, there is a thunderstorm!  The weather said no chance of rain for weeks and weeks.  And here is a crash of thunder.  How lovely.  I wonder if it’s a sign.  J

Anyway, I let them pass because of my ridiculous perfectionism and lack in finding the right way to write things down.  A journaling habit is just the thing I’ve always needed to ease my conscience. . . .

Sure enough, rain is on the way.  How delicious.  I am going to hurry up and finish my entry so that I can savor it.  I have been craving some sort of cozy change, anything!  I wonder if the kids are all astir because of it.  I know Claire is probably still asleep because she’s in our room.  Jonny is still asleep I can tell from the baby monitor.  Maybe I’ll go up to the big girls and see about them.  I have been way too hard on them lately.  I HAVE to figure out how to deal with them every day despite my fatigue.  I just am WAY too irritable.  Too bad I can’t have a glass of wine every day to calm me down.  There’s probably too high a risk that I’ll become an alcoholic right now anyway.  Life is rough! 

On the other hand, our life is quite easy.  David and I were just discussing this last night.  We are all alive and well.  We have a house, a job, nice weather, good family and friends.  We basically want for nothing.  Life is just not very hard for us.  And yet, it’s almost unbearable sometimes?  I just don’t believe we can be so ungrateful.  Maybe that’s the key.  Gratitude.  And I should have it in abundance for my family at the very least.

I think it would be nice to go out after this entry and sit on the front porch.  Maybe there is lightning with the thunder.  Maybe I will catch the coming of the rain.  I’m writing all this in such a weird tone.  It’s probably because of the book I just finished—The Ghost of the Mary Celeste.  A perfectly stupid book that had so much potential and failed miserably.  I mean, didn’t her publisher tell her that it was awful!?  If I had been a publisher, I would have insisted that she make the story a bit more satisfying.  I mean, the writing was pretty darn good, she had so much potential!  All in all, it sucked.  What a waste of a day and a half.  I’ll read Princess Academy next.  It’s bound to be delightful.

Last night I read an excerpt from the book Blue Mind, all about how and why we love and are drawn to the ocean.  It was fantastic!  I can’t wait to find it and read it.  Another moment when I wish I could have any book I wanted at any moment, instantly.  That would be the wish of my heart.  Oh, and with the uninterrupted leisure to read it.  That sounds like heaven to me.  I would love to become a professional reader and learner when I retire.  But somehow I feel like that’s an impossible dream.

Anyway, I’m rambling.  Tomorrow maybe?

July 21, 2014

I found out what happened to Claire, obviously, that night that I last wrote.  She broke her right clavicle pretty good.  But, like I said, she’s a tough one.  The x-ray looked pretty painful, though.  She takes some intense medicine regularly.  They just put it in a sling and told her not to jostle it.  I’m on hold with the orthopedic office this very second.  (Multitasking, yay!)  I think it’ll all workout ok as long as she doesn’t hurt it again.  I’m not sure what the office will say since I heard most of these types of injuries don’t get cast exactly, but I’m sure she’ll have to come in to get a second x-ray at some point.

That same night that Claire got hurt, I found on Facebook that my friend’s husband had died in a bicycle accident.  It has really torn me up inside.  They have three kids about our oldest kids’ ages.  I have known Tanya since elementary school in Kansas, and she got baptized when she met and married Aaron, who was Mormon.  She credits me somewhat to helping her come to the gospel, but I take none at all.  I mean, Aaron was the real missionary there.  I guess she had known only me as the other Mormon in her life, but we were so little.  Anyway, that has brought us closer together, but we’ve been terrible at keeping in touch.  But I have texted her since this has happened, and we are still quite close, it seems.  I hurt so badly for her.  I wish I could be there to help her.  I’m trying to think of a way to help her kids.  I think I’ll write them letters and send them a picture frame or something that they can have to remember him.  According to Google, that’s the best kind of gift for kids who have lost a parent.  I know nothing about this.  I tried writing a letter for her, but it all seems wrong.  What can I say?

On Saturday night I went out with David.  I felt a little bit guilty since Tanya lost her husband.  It was dumb of me, but I still did.  We went and got some dessert from Dairy Queen then walked around The Village and watched people and the fountain.  It was quite nice!  We had no idea sine it looks so unassuming from the outside.  I think maybe we’ll go there for other dates in the future.  And if David starts doing plasma again, maybe we’ll be able to afford some real dates!  We were both excited about that.  We want to take full advantage of that before Emily goes home.

Sunday was nice.  We had some mix-up with Emily about the Netflix, and I totally made her feel bad, but we talked and worked it out, and it gave me a chance to talk to her about other things.  I’m hoping she’s having a nice time here despite those little uncomfortable moments and all the gophering I’m having her do.  She’s really been SO invaluable around here for me right now.  In Sunday school, the teacher asked “What do you really want?” and “When are strengths our downfall?”  We didn’t really get to that second question, but I thought a long time about the first.  Immediately I thought of my parenting, my yelling.  I want to have an “understanding heart” like Solomon, but I also want the patience and forethought to act the way I know I should.  If I were to take an essay test with case scenarios of the thinks my kids did, I have read enough parenting books to get the “right” answer every single time.  But in the moment, I have complete inablility to recall what I should do.  How can I slow the reaction time down so that I can do what needs to be done!?  This is the gift I’d like to have.  Parent like a champion, like King Solomon.  With that in mind, I think I’ll work on that problem, because that’s what I REALLY want.  And it is obtainable!  It’s not massive amounts of money, which would be near impossible to just have right now.  This parenting issue, I can do that.

I need to make some more phone calls, then it’s laundry and cleaning house.  The bathrooms are particularly gross.  :P

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July 18, 2014

Well, David just took Claire to the Emergency Room.  Last week she got whacked by Jane in the head (with the remote control) and had blood all over the place, and now today, when her and Jane were playing on the trampoline, she fell through the entrance to the trampoline and crashed into the flower bed (which is just rocks and a hibiscus bush).  I think she might have broken something, her shoulder, her collarbone?  I’m so worried about her.  Usually it’s me to take her in when she has to go to the doctor, or to the ER since she’s been before, and I want to be with her to reassure her.  But David is great, and she loves him so so much, so it’ll be a good bonding moment for them.  I’m just dying to know what was really wrong with her.  She’s usually pretty tough. 

She was invited to go to a birthday party tomorrow.  I wonder if she’ll be going to that.  Audrey colored in the book I bought for her little friend to take.  I lost my temper with Audrey yet again.  I have been losing it with her all week.  I don’t know if it’s her or me, but it seems like it’s both.

David keeps texting me the check-in questions.  Poor, poor girl.  She probably hurts so much.  She is so tough.  But under that toughness is a tiny little girl who is still only four years old.  Which could also be said for Audrey.  Under that toughness is a little girl who is only eight years old.  And Jane?  She’s soft on the outside, and perhaps soft on the inside, too.  She is the glue of our family.  Oh, how I love that girl.  So tender, so sweet, and so impressionable.  I worry about her.

I had bad dreams about the kids all night last night.  Really bad ones.  I hate that.  I haven’t had really bad dreams in such a long time.  Since I was a teenager.  Occasionally, since I’ve become a parent, I’ve had bad dreams, but they have somehow gotten more awful—and the ones I used to have were pretty terrible.  These ones seem so much more real.  The hardest part of a parent’s, or specifically a mother’s, job (and there are a lot of super hard parts) is not the labor and delivery, the sleepless nights and the poopy diapers, it is the worry.  The crushing fear that something will happen to the only good part of your life, which happens to also be the most vulnerable.  Oh, it is ever so crushing.  And it presses down incessantly, for years and years.  The worry, the fear, it’s almost too much.  I don’t know if other moms feel the same way, but I feel it every day.

As soon as I am done writing here, I am going to go upstairs and have a talk with the girls.  I need to tell them that I love them and that I’m sorry for yelling at them so much today (again).  They put up with so much crappy parenting, it’s a wonder they still have any spirit at all.  How can this be?  I just wrote how they mean everything and yet I get so furious at them that I damage their little spirits with my bullying.  It makes no sense at all.  It really doesn’t.  How can I fix this?  I have tried many times to stop yelling and just being mean to them.  It’s hard.  And it’s even harder when I am sleep deprived.  With Emily here it helps.  But Emily was here and I still yelled at Audrey for writing in this birthday book.  And I vow to stop over and over again, and I fail.  Is this how it is going to be forever?  Me yelling, then hurting their feelings, then me having to apologize.  They’re going to stop believing me.  Maybe Audrey already has.  And Jane just gets the second-hand backlash sometimes and it still must wound her.  I can only imagine what it must do to her soft little heart when she gets it directed right at her.  Claire, too.  Will I do this with the babies when they get old enough to talk back?  Should I just look at the others as babies?  Am I holding them to too high a standard?  But shouldn’t I help them as they grow up by treating them NOT like babies???  Ugh, this parenting thing is SO HARD!!

But one thing is for sure.  I love them with all my heart, no matter what.  More tomorrow on how Claire is doing.

July 17, 2014

Before I get into it, a few things I wanted to mention:

1)      Jonny is afraid of cows.  He doesn’t have any experience with them other than what the little Sound Touch app shows him, but he’s terrified.  And the cows on the app aren’t scary; they’re pretty average.  He just doesn’t like them.  He acts genuinely afraid and bothered when you push the cow button.  The other, scarier animals (in my opinion) don’t phase him.  The camel?  That one is scary!  And of course the lion, tigers, bears, wolves, snakes, even the seals are a bit distressing.  But it’s definitely the cows that really make him nervous.

2)      He can say “w” really well.  I helped talk him through the letters of the alphabet, and he did great.  But he’d get over zealous at parts and throw the “w” in when he thought it might be coming up.

3)      He knows the words to Let It Go, and he can sing along pretty darn well.

4)      He tried playing with the little car racing ramp today, but with a toy horse instead of a toy car.  He filled it up with gas at the little plastic gas pump and everything. 

Now, those were a few little milestones I wanted to mention.  Oh, did I mention that Darcy smiled at me the other day!  That was pretty cool.

Today has been . . . well, today and yesterday, actually.  They have been awful.  Like just really, really bad for me.  I am feeling trapped, frustrated.  I am hating my “job” right now.  I resent it.  I am parenting badly and feeling completely out of control and overwhelmed.  And I just don’t know what to do about it.  These feelings come around every so often, quite regularly, and I think they come with the territory.  I chose this by being the stay-at-home-mom.  But it sucks.  It really does.  And, again, I don’t know what to do about it.  I can usually stumble upon something that helps me temporarily.  It usually involves just cleaning up the house, or having David help me get a break (or clean the house).  But it doesn’t last very long.  It matters that Darcy is so tiny.  It’s just an inherently hard time in parenting, but to add it on to the already hard things with all the other kids and the tightness of money right now and having Emily here and just . . . everything, it’s overwhelming in a big way.  I have no time to myself.  I have no structure to my days because Darcy calls the shots.  I can’t get the kids to stop making big, BIG messes wherever I look.  And I certainly don’t have the clarity of mind to parent them properly, so instead I just yell and say mean things all the time.  It’s exhausting.  But I can’t stop them, and I can’t keep up with their messes, but I can’t live with them either.  I’m stuck in this house on these hot days with the baby just as much as they are, and I can’t live in an environment that is this trashed.  There are also the little things like them refusing to eat dinners that I prepare.  That gets to me, even though I know it shouldn’t.  It just does.

So, what do I do???  I’m supposed to be going to the grocery store.  And David has heard my cry many times before on this, and he can’t do much but maybe help clean something.  But even tonight he flat out told me he just didn’t want to do it.  Which I totally get.  BUT SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.  And I don’t have it in me.  I just don’t.  But it just can’t stay like this.  I can’t be here alone with a bunch of kids (Emily included), cleaning up messes, all day long, and not just go completely insane.  There is nothing for ME all day.  By the evening time, when I finally have some down time, it’s bed time.  And although I can’t afford it, I procrastinate sleep because I need that time.  I am malnourished on taking time out for myself.  Many would say that I need to wake up earlier and take the time first, while the kids are asleep, but that’s also insane, because I have a newborn.  And sleep must be taken when it can be taken.  Then some would argue, and maybe they’re right, that I will just have to shift the me time from the evening when I’ll be going to sleep by 9:00 or so, to the morning when it would have a charging effect and would get me through the day.  But for what?  So I can clean up messes all day?  I guess it’s so I can parent properly, because, let’s face it, that’s really what’s at stake here.  Right now my relationship with the kids is in the toilet.  And all my toilets are filthy, I might add.

It’s just a rough time.  It really is.  And something has to change fundamentally or this is just going to keep burning me every few weeks like it has been for the last several years.  Well, probably since I became a parent, actually.  I don’t know if David understands, but I just have to do something.  I’m afraid that waking early is the answer, but it seems absolutely insane.  I’m not waking early just to get a head start on dishes, though.  We’re talking yoga, a shower, some reading, or something I want to do.  That’s the rule I need to make with myself.  Let the other things in my head and on my to-do list go.  After I have my time, that’s when I fix myself a morning beverage and get out a notebook, and plan the day.  This is all fantasy at this point.  Darcy might have a problem with these plans.  Oh, but how lovely the idea is.  If I skip grocery shopping tonight and go tomorrow, maybe I can get up early tomorrow.  This is an insane idea . . . 

July 14, 2014

Today I only have a few things on my to-do list.  I have to finish all the laundry in time for Emily to pack and get her stuff dropped off for camp at 5:00 or so.  I already made my WIC appointment.  I’m so glad that’s out of the way.  I’ve only got to print my bank statements and get David’s pay stubs for that.  Once we get all of Emily’s stuff dropped off, dinner made, and the house tidy, we’ll be in great shape.  Simple day.  I love it when I don’t have a lot on my to-do list.  And I especially love it when I don’t have to go anywhere.  Stuff on my calendar is the pits, mostly because of the hassle of loading the kids up, but I do like it when I have fun stuff—friends over for play dates, parents coming to hang out.  That stuff is a breeze.  And, honestly, doctor appointments are a breeze, too, when I have a sitter like Emily or David around.

What’s been going on lately, let me see . . . not much!  Yesterday was Sunday.  We all went to church.  We weren’t even late!  I didn’t haul Darcy’s car seat in, which was actually really nice.  I don’t think I’ll bring it in next Sunday either.

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I’m really tired today.  I put Jonny down for bed just a few minutes ago, but he’s still crying.  I’m debating whether or not I should just turn off the baby monitor.  He really is tired, and he’s gotta be just fine in there.  I mean, it’s almost 9:30, and he even went swimming right before his bath tonight.  Oh, well.  I’ll give it at least until I finish writing today’s entry.  The kids are watching The Lego Movie again upstairs.  They have watched it three times now!  I know David really liked it.  He seems to like it like I liked The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.  I loved that movie.  My brain isn’t coming up with anything interesting to write about today because I’m exhausted.  The dishes need to be done, and Jane and Audrey haven’t done school today.  Jane really needs to do some reading.  Maybe I’ll do that with her before bed tonight, just to say that we did some.  School starts in about a month and half and I want her to be in good shape with her reading.

Tomorrow we have to get up early to drop Emily off to leave for camp.  I hope she has fun.  It’ll be nice to have the house to myself again, but I wonder if I’ve gotten so used to having the extra help that I’ll have a really hard time this week. 

July 12, 2014

We just sent Lauren and Daniel and Hyrum home today after they were here visiting.  I think this happened last summer: I get tired of having guests.  As much as I like them, I eventually resent them.  We have more guests coming.  And we also have trips away planned, which also tend to stress me out.  I think I really am a true homebody/introvert.  How boring for David.  I have to figure out a way to welcome and host guests throughout the year so that I don’t burn out half way through the summer.  I tend to feel the need to do all the cooking, cleaning, entertaining, and post-visit cleaning.  It’s a lot to do with the new baby around!  Maybe it’ll get better just because it’ll be easier to sleep and do it all at the same time.  I need to read more about hosting from Martha maybe?  That might also be a good way to feel inadequate.  Anyway, I’ll make it through.  I’m sure a lot of it has to do with money worries.  I worry more now about buying extra groceries, extra travel, even using the AC or heater.  Maybe it’s just because of Darcy and it being our first year “being poor.”  Hopefully getting on WIC soon (gotta stop procrastinating that!) will help with the groceries especially. 

Anyway, their visit was nice.  It was short.  I find that if I encourage my guests to go off on their own to explore the area or do something fun, I have time to recuperate while they’re gone and I feel much better.  They did this when they went to Lauren’s friend’s wedding.  Hyrum and Jonny were SO cute together and loved playing.  We had an awful night with Darcy and sleeping on those Ikea mattresses is the worst!  At least for me.  David seemed to sleep fine.  But really, it was one of Darcy’s worst nights.  We were both up until about 3:30.  But she’s been a bit fussy lately in general, and I think it might just be that she was too full and too tired or something.  She had a huge blowout today while Emily was holding her, something she’d been saving up for a while it seems, and that might have been the problem.  She’s slept quite soundly since then.  Hopefully she sleeps tonight!  I’m REALLY looking forward to sleeping in my own bed. 

David ran errands with Emily this afternoon after Lauren and Daniel left.  We needed to change the air filter so that the AC would work properly upstairs.  We forgot to change it this last cycle.  Oops.  Hopefully it’ll work better now.  But I lost my train of thought . . . Emily and Dave went out and got the air filter and some caulk for the sink (which I have to go do now), plus some other stuff.  While they were gone I bribed the girls with banana splits after dinner and swimming to get them the clean up the upstairs.  They did an excellent job and absolutely earned their banana splits.  It was fun to introduce them to a banana split, too, since they’d never had one before.  It was quite the presentation. 

They’re in bed now.  David said he saw Audrey up reading a story to the girls.  She is so big now.  Today she helped me give Darcy a bath by handing her to me while I was in the shower then diapering and dressing her when she was all clean.  She dried her off even and then carried her to my bed and cuddled with her while I got dressed. 

Jane and Claire seem to get lost in the mix when I write these entries.  Audrey, being the oldest, has a lot to report on, Jonny, being the only boy, and Darcy being the baby . . . the other two just end up getting lost quite often.  Jane especially.  I’m not sure why.  I need to work on that.  I worry that this new money issue is crowding out an already crowded life.  There are so many big things I have to worry about.  The time I devote to things pertaining to my kids is getting spread quite thinly.  Does that make sense?  Probably not.  But I did just have a brainstorm about making it priority to devote at least a little time to each child every day, and not just one-on-one, but also in working on the things I have to change as a parent to cater to each specific child’s needs.  I’ll have to think about that.

July 10, 2014

I haven’t had a whole lot to write about for the last couple of days.  I had a sweet moment with Jonny yesterday.  He was playing a game with me where we make animal sounds and point out parts of the body.  He’s growing up so fast.  I got him up last night to put pajamas on him because I was worried the AC would make him too cold.  It has been about a week since he’s needed PJs, and I was dismayed to find that his were getting too small.  He is just suddenly so huge!  I can feasibly talk about potty training him and cutting off binkies and bottles permanently!  I guess that’s how life marches on.  No need to be sad about it as long as I savor it while it’s here. 

Emily and I went to Young Women’s last night.  We played games and talked about camp the following week.  I played the game with the girls and it was so fun!  Emily told me afterwards that she had a really good time.  I’m so glad.  Today has been kind of a letdown for all of us because I slept in so late because of Darcy.  She’s asleep now.  Once I’m done writing, I’ll need to start getting things crossed off my to-do list.  But the idea of a nap is quite appealing.  I’m not sure if I should take one, though.

July 8, 2014

I haven’t written in a few days.  Things just got a little crazy.  On Friday night we went to see David’s play at Starlight Mountain Theater.  He was so cute!  In fact, the whole thing was really fun to watch.  Most of the audience was family and close friends, the cast looked much older than you usually see at these things, they had only practiced for the day so lines and dance steps got forgotten.  It was hysterical and completely delightful.  It just looked like a ton of fun, and because of that, we had a ton of fun watching.  I know David was really sore the few days after.  He had worked out hard.  He looked quite young compared to everyone else!  Most people said he hadn’t changed a bit.  I believe it.  I’ve never known anyone to age so well.  The older kids stayed home with Jonny since I thought he’d be the hardest to get to sit still during the show.  We took the girls, and I think they really liked it.  They got a little distracted when the fireworks went off.  Well, everyone was a little distracted then, though.  But in a fun, festive sort of way.  Plus it allowed the cast to adlib a few jokes about the noise.

Saturday we went swimming with the Graybills, then we came home and had chicken salad . . . I think I’ve already written about that, though!  The bad thing about typing my entries each day is that it’s more of a hassle to review what I wrote the time before.  It’s not like I can just flip the page.  But I am more likely to do it this way, and it’s faster.

Emily is here to stay with us now.  She’s been a big help.  She’ll be here until mid August I think.  I hope I’m helping her in some way.  I want her to pull up out of the slump she often finds herself in and learn to choose activities that will make her happier.  I’m not really sure what to teach her to help her in life, but hopefully it happens.  Having a teenager in the house is much different than when we had Jacob here when Audrey was born.  At sixteen, he was a huge handful compared to Emily.  At least she doesn’t lie to me all the time!  That was exhausting when Jacob would do that!  I don’t know if our relationship is better for it now that we’re all grown up, but I’d like to think so.  Not sure.  Now I’m probably better able to deal with teenagers than I was then.  Plus, she’s not my sister, so I’m not tempted to revert back to sibling rivalries like I did with Jacob all the time.  And, like I said, she’s sweet and helpful and really no trouble at all.  May main concern is helping her.

Anyway, the kids are doing really well.  It’s still hot, so they haven’t been tempted to go out and play during the day.  Maybe a blanket out on the lawn when it cools down would be nice.  We spent a while at the pool yesterday night.  Jonny is really loving the water!  He’s so cute with his little floaty on, kicking through the water.  Claire is also rekindling her love of the water.  She was so afraid for a while.  I took Darcy and everything, and we just hung out for a while and chatted with neighbors.  All were Mormon except Teresa and her family.  It was funny.  She was wondering who everyone was and who belonged to whom, and I just whipped out my ward directory! 

Not a whole lot more planned for today, just relaxing.  We’ll see what the evening brings.

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July 5 2014

Today was much more restful than yesterday.  We slept in until about 10:00, had a late breakfast.  We touched base with the Graybill family since the Hunts were in town and decided to meet up with them at Marie’s house to go swimming.  It was very fun.  I have come to love their family.  Plus, I hadn’t actually met Larissa, and she’s just as delightful as her sisters and mom.  After that, it was whirlwind of cooking dinner, getting dressed for the baby blessing, and running a few errands.

Over dinner we turned on some traditional Italian music on Pandora and sang and joked while we ate.  There is something about Italian music that makes cooking and eating more of a celebration.  It was silly and fun.

We blessed the baby before dinner, though.  I almost forgot about that!  Brother Bradford came over at 7:00, and we blessed her in the livingroom.  We all agreed afterward that blessing babies at home is the way to do it.  She wore a beautiful baby blessing gown that Bethany had used to bless Lily.  The blessing talked a lot about how she would follow the Spirit, how she would have a good relationship with her family, specifically her parents.  I always appreciate that.  David had said that in Claire’s blessing, and it was such a comfort to me.  Sometimes, I feel like we’re doing things right with our kids.  And sometimes I don’t, but more and more often, in small ways, I feel like we’re ok.  Remembering those blessings makes me come to those little realizations more often.  Hard to explain.

After dinner and the blessing, the boys took the little girls to the pool for an evening swim before dark.  I imagine it was really nice, and I had actually wanted to go, but I had to feed Darcy.  After she fell asleep, I helped Maryjo fix the screens from Audrey’s windows.  She taught me how to do it so I could do it on my own if we have to do it again.  While we were on a roll, we fixed the sink upstairs, and figured out why the kitchen sink was leaking.  It just needed to be re-caulked around the faucet.  … I feel a little bit silly talking about fixing the faucet on the day the baby was blessed.  I didn’t take enough time to be present in the moment.  I am writing this entry like my day was, a bit strung together, rushed.

I have to go back to my meditation and mindfulness practice.  “These are the days” as people are wont to say.  And I’m realizing that it’s true.  My sweet baby Audrey is eight.  I ache for her to be a baby again.  I get impatient with Jane, and her sweetness and wisdom get lost in her innocent, childish fumbling.  Claire and Jonny and Darcy are still in that small stage—Claire on the brink of leaving it.  And why am I in such a rush to move them all along.  Yes, I would LOVE to sleep and have time for myself with a bit more regularity, but they’re angels.  They are.  They’re here now as sweet little babes and I am missing it.  Audrey will someday be grown up, and I’ll probably pine for her eight-year-old days.  How do I devour this time and internalize it?  The wise would probably say that mindfulness is the answer.  Being present.  It does help that I am writing this journal, I suppose.  I have to let go of my sadness at not being a perfect and consistent family historian after all this time.  There is a gap.  Not again.  I should make a family timeline!

May 6^th, 2004 – David and Crystal are married

May 9^th, 2004 –They move to Macks Inn and start working at the theater for the summer

September, 2004—Move to Brentwood Apartments in Rexburg and start school at BYU-I again as juniors

Fall 2004—David becomes EQ President in our married student ward, talk about Jacob coming to living with us

July/Aug 2005—Jake comes to live with us in the townhouse.

Fall 2005—They start their senior year at BYU-Idaho, Crystal pregnant with Audrey

April 24, 2006—Audrey born the Sunday before finals week and graduation, David decides on Cornell

Aug 2006—Move to Hasbrouck Apartments in New York

Sept 2006--David starts at Cornell Law school

Summer 2007—Move to Missouri to live with Mom and Dad while David interns with Judge Laughry in Jefferson City

Fall 2007—Back to Cornell, pregnant with Jane

March 17, 2008—Jane is born in Ithaca, NY

Summer 2008—Internship at Baker Botts in Dallas, live with Brent and Cheryl

Fall 2008—Move back to New York for last year of law school

Spring 2009—Graduate from law school, move to townhouse in Rexburg to study for the Texas Bar

Fall 2009—Move to apartment in Casa Linda in Dallas, pregnant with Claire, David starts at Baker Botts

April 16, 2010—Claire born

Summer 2010—Move to duplex on Moss Farm Lane in Dallas

Fall 2010—Audrey in preschool

March 2011—Move to Rockwall, TX

Fall 2011—Audrey starts kindergarten

Winter 2011—Pregnant with Jonny

September 12, 2012—Jonny born

Fall 2012—Audrey in first grade, Jane in preschool

April 2013—David move to Boise to start at Perkins Coie

May 2013—Family moves to Marie’s rental in Boise, Audrey finish 1^st grade in Boise, Jane out of preschool

June 2013—Move to Burney Glen Drive in Meridian

Fall 2013—Audrey starts 2^nd grade, Jane starts kindergarten, pregnant with Darcy

May 15^th, 2014—Darcy born

Summer 2014—RIGHT NOW!  J

That was fun!  And I think this list will be really handy someday.  I’ll have to make one for myself and David.  That would be seriously helpful.

July 4, 2014

Today has been fun so far!  David took off this morning to go start rehearsing for the play he’s in tonight.  I don’t think he has much confidence in how it’ll turn out, but we’re going anyway.  David’s family is here, and we all got up this morning and went to the ward breakfast at the park.  The kids rode their decorated bikes in a bike parade, I chatted with friends, we all tried to keep the kids in sight, and we had good breakfast, and finally the little parade itself, with was great not only because it was cute, but also because it signaled the end of a very exhausting event!  But the kids had a fun time, and they looked so cute on their bikes.  I hope someone got pictures, because I was too busy with Darcy to get any.  I’m SO glad the rest of the family was there to help.

We talked and I made lunch.  I think it was good, and it was fun to chat with Nate while I cooked.  We had pasta salad, and some gross watermelon, and hooberbloob jello (blue jello, whipped cream, and strawberries—a Fourth tradition). 

For the last few hours me and the boys (minus Dave) have been sitting around the living room making a list of the most influential people of the 20^th century.  They started this list yesterday without me, but it was fun to discuss and help flesh it out.  I’m not as out-of-touch as I seem.  Maybe I should include this list here.  I’ll have to have Nate send it to me.

Now we just have to start getting ready to go to the play.  I think we’ll leave here at 6:00, I’ll gas up the van, and we should make it up to the theater about half an hour early.  That should give me time to feed Darcy if I need to.  I think we’ll leave Jonny here with Sam, Nate, and Emily.  I’m a little nervous about that, but I’m sure it’ll be no problem at all.  Then again, it would be nice to drive up in one vehicle.  I’ll have to ask David about that.  They’re probably doing a dress rehearsal right now, so there probably isn’t much time to check and reply to texts, so I’ll just have to make the decision on my own.

It’s still been hot today.  Our AC is probably going to make my electric bill really high this month.  I’m a little nervous about it.

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July 3, 2014

You can never tell how the day will turn out.  I didn’t sleep at all with Darcy last night, and I thought things would go rough for us all today because of it, but I’ve been able to get a lot done.  I haven’t gotten a nap, but if I can get to sleep early enough tonight, I might have a chance at a good night’s sleep for tomorrow.

It’s still super hot today.  I think July we’ll have to use the AC most days, but I’ll just balance the extra expense from what I’ve been saving in gas.  I am in such a better mood when it’s not hot in here.  I’ve been saving hundreds of dollars by not using the heating and cooling as much.  The nights here are so cool, and the transitional seasons so mild, that it was a waste to keep it on all the time.

Dave’s parents and Nate, Sam, and Emily are coming tonight, but they won’t be here until most of us are all asleep.  Tomorrow being the 4^th, we’ve got quite a bit planned.  I’ll have to get up and get me and the kids ready in time for the festivities at the park at 9:00.  I don’t know when they’ll have time to decorate their bikes.  Maybe I’ll have to run to the store right when David gets home tonight so they can do it before bed.  The only thing I haven’t finished today is cleaning the throw-up out of Jonny’s car seat.  Yuck.  Speaking of Jonny, he should be waking up from his nap soon.  I’ve got to stop putting him down so late.  I’ll go get him after I finish here, otherwise he’ll be up all night.

David got up early with Darcy this morning so I could get a little sleep.  I know it’s been harder on him to wake up earlier with this new job, and the baby makes it so that he doesn’t get to go to bed as early as he’d like, too.  None of us are getting much sleep around here, actually.  Anyway, he was so sweet to do that.  I’ll have to remember to thank him.

We’re having omelets for dinner tonight.  I might put David in charge of making them while I run to the store, just so we can be efficient.  Maybe I’ll take a child to help him out.  I’m nervous to take Claire, though, since she’s the only one who hasn’t thrown up yet!  It would be a disaster to take her to the store and have her get sick there or in the car all over again.  :S  We will discuss that.

I did lessons with everyone today except Audrey since she plagiarized her writing assignment.  We’ll have to fix that before she goes to bed tonight.  I really wanted to take the opportunity to teach her, but Darcy was crying and Jonny needed a nap, and no one had had lunch yet.  These things happen.  It’ll be ok.  We can revisit it tonight or even on Monday if we have to.  I have to get used to letting these things go.  For example, the kids are at the kitchen table right now painting and generally making a big mess.  Normally, I would fuss over that.  I would feel the need to make sure they don’t waste and mess the paints by not cleaning their brushes after each dipping.  I would scold them for arguing.  I’d annoyingly remind them that they’re responsible for cleaning it all up.  It’s a good opportunity for me to back off and calm down.  Also, I just don’t have the energy to fight them about as much.  It’s actually been easier to follow the parenting advice I’ve been given lately because it means less interference on my part.

Audrey came into our room last night because she’d had a bad dream.  It looks like the mattress on our bedroom floor needs to become a permanent feature since someone always comes to sleep in it from sickness or bad dreams.  We need a trundle bed!  I’d really like to move that mattress out and all of those boxes of kids’ clothes, too.  Maybe I’ll make that part of the projects I give Emily while she’s here.  I am going to have her keep an eye on the kids while I work on the family photo situation, and I’m going to have her help me tackle those boxes.  It shouldn’t be hard, it’s just a matter of moving them onto the high shelves in the kids’ closets.  Now that I think about it, David might be needed to put them up there.  We’ll see.  It would sure be nice to have the space.

I’ll have to keep brainstorming other projects for Emily.  Or, I should say, projects for myself that I can actually do with Emily’s extra help around the house.  I have a whole list of things.  Should be fun.

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I am so thankful for AC!  It is hot!  I went to the store today with Claire (Fred Meyer), then to the grocery store with Jonny (Winco).  Both were such sweeties and were very helpful.  We had pizza for dinner tonight.  David is off swimming with the girls.  When they get back and have finished bathing, I’ll have them decorate their bikes with streamers.  I’m not sure if Jonny will participate . . . I’ll toss his bike into the car tomorrow just in case.  Hopefully I’ll get to write tomorrow!  Lots going on!

July 2, 2014

I’m here doing lessons with Claire.  While I’m at it, I think I’ll get some journaling done.  I started (or re-started) the family journal over again last night.  I wrote it out on paper.  And I always go back to that, but I always abandon it because it’s so inefficient.  This way is so much better.

My parents just left early this morning after a visit.  They were so generous.  Let me see if I can list all of the things: Mom took me out for lunch, she also bought me a new dress and two new shirts; Mom and Dad bought me some groceries—7 loaves of bread, two huge sticks of hamburger (like 50 pounds), vanilla, one gallon of milk, cereal, and chocolates; they took Audrey to the store and helped her buy some arts supplies, but they also got me a knife, more arts supplies as gifts, and some shorts for Audrey (which she really needed); Dad got Audrey a new bike at D.I.; and of course, Dad got David a new weed eater; and finally, the 200 dollars they left on the counter when they left.  We will use that for new tires and alignment.  Just so much!

I was really angry with them for cancelling the first half of their trip, but I shouldn’t have been.  Not just because they bought us a lot of things, but because they are moving to Idaho permanently soon, and because they extended their trip a little bit to make up for it.  They are helping the other kids and their families get to Hawaii this Christmas, and you would think after the hurt feelings I had this weekend that I would be even more upset about that, but I’m not upset in the least.  Our family is large, and I don’t blame them for not being sure if we can come along.  I am used to giving things up this year because of Dave’s new job.  I think they felt bad and were afraid of our response to the whole thing, but I hope we made it clear that they don’t need to feel bad.  I genuinely hope they go and have a nice time, and that they all say nothing but nice things about us.  J

Today it is supposed to be super hot, like 100 or more.  It doesn’t usually get that hot here.  Jonny has been playing outside this morning on the water table, but he’s tipped that over now.  He’s really getting big.  I have cut out bottles, and now he only gets sippy cups.  He seems ok with that transition.  I’m not sure how the binky transition will go.

Last night Jane got sick, so she slept on the mattress on the floor in our room.  I wrote in my journal about what happened yesterday, but only slightly (because it’s much harder to write than type).  We had gone to Eagle Island State Park for a picnic.  We packed some chicken salad and watermelon, which was a really nice treat.

P.S. I just remembered that Mom put flowers in the pots on my front porch!

The weather was good, and it was really nice under the shade.  There weren’t a lot of people over on our side, but we didn’t play at the playground because it was on the other side.  That was too bad.  After chasing Jonny around, we were all too hot and tired to do anything but go home.  I’m still really glad we went.  And I’m glad despite the $5 we paid just to get in the park.  We really need to go get a season parks pass.  For Eagle Island alone it would pay for itself.  I’ll have to request that little errand of David next week.  Maybe.

I did lessons with the kids today.  These summer lessons have been going really well, and I think they’re helping.  Claire’s reading is coming right along.  She will be in good shape for kindergarten next year.  Jane’s reading is improving steadily.  So has her handwriting.  We will work on sentence structure as soon as I am more comfortable with her reading.  Slowly, but surely.  Audrey has been reading every day, and my goal with her is to just foster a love of reading.  Her reading itself is good, but she doesn’t like to do it much.  My dad was telling me this weekend how much he wished he’d been helped into liking reading.  He feels dumb, and it makes me sad.  Audrey’s writing is getting better and better.  She wrote a thank you note to mom and dad today for her assignment.

Darcy is awake from her nap now and ready to eat.  She’s in size 1 diapers now, and she’s officially in size 1-3 month clothes.  She’s going to be a tall one, I think.  The older kids are really great helpers with her.  I love to see them bonding with her in that way.

Speaking of bonding, I have been trying to do the method in the parenting book I’m reading where I let the kids work out their own fights in order to eliminate the need to compete.  It’s not only given me a break, but they really seem to be getting along a LOT better!  I’m thrilled.  I want them to grow up to be close and love each other.  As sister especially, they will need each other.  I feel like only just now I’m bonding with my sister.  I’ll have to work on that.  And with Jacob, too.  I’m sure he still feels patronized by me.  I wonder when that’ll stop.  But that’s another issue for another time!

I’d like to write more for today later, probably before bed.

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David has had to work late tonight.  He’s not home yet.  He hardly ever has to work late at this new job.  Tonight is the latest he’s worked yet.  It’s frustrating when he does.  Especially when Jonny takes a late nap and doesn’t go to bed as early as usual.  I’ll put him down after I finish here.  It seems like the kids have been playing more together and choosing the TV less and less.  I’m really happy about that.  If it weren’t so darn hot, I’d have had them ride their bikes more today.  Tomorrow people are coming, so I don’t know how that will go.  I guess it depends on when they get here.  I haven’t heard from anyone about that.

We need to switch banks.  We’re not sure which one to choose.